i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize