Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
