I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
