he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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