I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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