There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
