Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
