OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
