people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
