I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
