we have pet lesbian snakes
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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