piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
COCAINE IS GR8
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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