Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
