So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
