Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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