Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
