He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
