goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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