Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
