i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
