Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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