Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
