I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
