Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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