I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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