Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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