We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
