I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
