420 ftw
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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