My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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