Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
