More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
