please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
