Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
