my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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