man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
