Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
don't judge my taste in strippers
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
