So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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