I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
bring money and cleavage
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
