My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
