On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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