I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Two words: blizzard sex
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
