I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
