I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
did i just pee glitter
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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