Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
