4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
