i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
