I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
