ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
