I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
