Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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