pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
