If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
