this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
