it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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