you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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