Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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