The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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