I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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