don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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