dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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