I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
soo... how was my night?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
